*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
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Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.