Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
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My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.