Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
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If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.