Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
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I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.