Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
You Might Also Like
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.