Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
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@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.