Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
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Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.