The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
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Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Lassie, get help!
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time