You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
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[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I need this for my side hustle.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships