Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
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They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train