My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
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Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…