CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
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Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.