I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
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Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.