wishing you and yours all the best
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Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?