Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
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How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.