You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
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I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped