@weinerdog4life

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

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@_The_Man__

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

@JordanPeele

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

@Shariv67

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

@House_Feminist

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

@sofarrsogud

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

@RedheadChaos

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

@AlyssaDiSalle

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

@laurenmacdonald

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.