One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
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Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
had to share :’)
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Yes my dude
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.