Yes my dude
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Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
i want to work in this restaurant
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.