mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
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mechanics be like
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
You’ll be OK
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.