Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
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parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
My favorite farside!!
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.