Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
My love language is hissing.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…