[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
🤣could you imagine
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.