Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
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If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.