Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
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I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh