“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
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The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.