I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
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The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
There is wisdom there.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Sharon I have some bad news
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Aight bet
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.