Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
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Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I wish this was real life…
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
LMAO.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*