My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
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All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
This hospital has everything
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.