You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
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dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
When he asks for feet pics
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10