I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
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Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.