Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
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Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I need better friends
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.