Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
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I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down