I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
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My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Legend 🤣🤣
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.