*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
You Might Also Like
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Cndnsd Mlk
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.