*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
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Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.