“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
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Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining