@topaz_kell

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

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@LuvPug

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

@jakelikesnaps

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

@djdarrellripley

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

@IamEnidColeslaw

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

@RodLacroix

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

@SortaBad

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

@Probgoblin

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

@ruslg1

My support group can outdrink your support group.