@topaz_kell
@LuvPug My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
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@LuvPug 
@jakelikesnaps I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
@djdarrellripley My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
@IamEnidColeslaw cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
@impaulmccoy My dryer is celebrating lint.
@b4sage Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
@RodLacroix Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
@SortaBad *practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
@Probgoblin YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
@ruslg1 My support group can outdrink your support group.