My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
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I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My support group can outdrink your support group.