*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
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“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
my favorite genre of twitter
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
sistine chapel
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*