My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
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Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal