Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
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ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone