My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
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“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Oh, I bet you would be
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money