DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
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Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.