I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
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Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.