That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
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It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”