I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
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Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
The Punning Dead.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!