My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
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I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Stop it! 😂
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
look at me when i’m typing to you
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.