My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
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The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
not for long
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”