We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
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Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.