It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
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Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.