@longwall26

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

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@AbbyHasIssues

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

@HalifaxEditor

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

@RunOldMan

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

@HatfieldAnne

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

@StruggleDisplay

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

@lakeanagirl

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

@Reverend_Scott

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

@MoistPork

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.