I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.


Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?


When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.


Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.


My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.


DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!


I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces


And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.


Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.