@Jamberee13 [first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
@longwall26 I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
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@Jamberee13 
@rn_murse this country is so goddamn polarized
@SeiYoung83 “If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
@kristabellerina 13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
@WheelTod “Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
@adamgreattweet Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
@BacklineNurse [inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
@portmanteauface Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
@CopBroughtPizza [car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
@Michael1979 GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!