Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
You Might Also Like
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
man: wait
time: no
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
synchronized noseblowing
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.